If You Went Away
by tunnelvisioned
Summary: Set right after the events of 12x11, Jackson and April are learning how to go their separate ways without looking back, but April's pregnancy intertwines their lives again.
**Hey guys! It's been a while, but finally I'm ready to post another japril story and this time it's a multi chapter. I've been carrying this idea for some time now and japril the movie, and actually, the whole japril season 12B shebang helped me to form it more fully. I really hope you enjoy it and stick around to find out what happens to Jackson and April in this story.**

 **Please take into consideration that English is not my first language, so if you see any errors I'm so very sorry. Also a quick shout out to insideimfeelinpurrdy, kepnerrrd and 16confessions from Tumblr for their encouragement and help, thank you, guys! This story is named after Daniel Wilson's song.**

 **Enjoy!**

* * *

 _How did I come to this? Why this is happening to me and what did I do to deserve this? While the doctors, colleagues, your friends really, are working on you and trying to save your life, that short time before you're rushed into surgery or called dead, that is all the time you have to remember, to regret, to hope. You think about the mistakes you've made and your unfinished business, apologies you've never got to give and calls you haven't returned. "What if" questions start popping in your head and it becomes harder to breathe. It's happening. You can't change this. It makes you want to fall asleep and wake up maybe a day later, feeling lucky to be alive, being more grateful for the life you have. Or to never wake up and be done. Just be done and let go._

Muffled sounds. Everything is too muted to understand what is happening. It feels like a dream. Meredith is standing closer than anyone. She is saying something, but it's too hard to make out sounds. "Stay with me". "Stay with me" emerges on the surface along with monitors beeping and arguing over what should be treated first. Hunt has his serious face on, he works along side Nathan who throws those worried looks at me.

 _"Page Shepherd"._

A cool gush of air. Someone opened the door and walked in but because of the collar it's hard to look up. It's too hard to lift my neck, the pain and the collar make it pretty much impossible. But I hope to see a certain person who at the same time I hope doesn't have to see me like this. We've been through enough. Am I cruel to hope for tears? Any sign that we still belong to each other?

 _It's Arizona who's standing at the door of the emergency room. My hearing betrays me and the dull noise in my head is tiring, somebody turn it off, please. Just turn everything off. Just let me go. No._

 _" … has the right to know. What do we do?"_

 _Please, God, don't say anything._

 _A sharp pain in my leg prevents me from following the conversation because this is too much. This is a joke. This can't be happening to me. I'm scared. And the end might be closer than I think. Do I give up? Do I just give up or do I keep fighting? What am I fighting for? People around me? Death is a familiar friend here in the hospital, especially to the ones who call it home. I haven't finished my fight for the person I love the most, who's oblivious to what is happening to me. It's for the better, I tell myself._

 _"…called to a surgery with Torres."_

 _The baby. My child. Our child. We've had a child. Do I join my son in heaven? I should have fought harder for Samuel. The unborn baby will have a parent. A full life with the greatest parent he or she could ask for. It's funny how we both agreed not to learn the sex of the baby. One of the only things we didn't argue about. What I'd give to know now. But it's better this way. So what should I fight for now? Which child should I join? I'm a bad parent for thinking like this but I can't help it. I don't know if I'm crying or if it's the blood streaming down my face._

 _"…after the surgery. We will tell after the surgery. Right now it's…"_

 _My eyelids are too heavy, it's hard to fight. I'll leave this fight for the family surrounding me. I hope they give me a chance, I hope I give myself a chance because I have too many things to live for, I have too many things to change and too many mistakes to make. For the first time in a while I want to be happy. For the first time in a while I feel alive._

 _"Crash cart, now! Charge to 100."_

* * *

 _What are you pregnant? I think I am._

* * *

Arizona insisted on staying with April the night after she and Jackson got divorced. Divorced. April had nothing to say, she didn't want to talk to Arizona, she didn't need to hear reassurances that everything was going to be okay. Everything was not okay and hadn't been for a very long while, and she didn't know when she would be able to feel not out of place. They called it an early night, even for such close friends like April and Arizona the silence became unbearably awkward. For now, April wanted to deal with her feelings alone. She didn't want to share them with anyone. She'd shared enough. In the room where she exposed herself, pleading, watching the last shred of hope disappear in front of her eyes when he couldn't even look at her and give a definitive answer. Now she desperately wanted to hide herself and stop thinking about the life she had just lost.

April was lying in bed, the one she once shared with Jackson, feeling the calming effect of the pregnancy news wearing off. She would close her eyes trying to fall asleep only to watch a kaleidoscope of moments, happy or sad, shared with her now ex-husband, ex-lover, again, ex-best friend. This made her heart beat faster and realisation after realisation started hitting her, torturing her mind. Jackson was not in her life anymore. They were done, it was official. He didn't want to fight for their marriage. His pain wouldn't let him give her more chance to make it right. She wanted to hold it against him so badly and blame him, but she knew she had to let him go. She took a deep breath and turned to the side facing the door so she would stop throwing glances to the side of the bed where he used to lie beside her. Her head was spinning from constant thoughts about what she lost, about what she gained and it kept preventing her from falling asleep. She got up to get a glass of water from the kitchen. She stood at the kitchen looking at different objects that reminded her of moments shared together. Those mugs with their initials that Jackson bought for them. She had been eyeing them every time they would shop together, but the ridiculous price had always changed her mind. One day Jackson just came home with the box in his hands, not saying a word as he unpacked them and put them on a kitchen isle and smiled.

 _"Jackson, you didn't have to?" She took the mug with "J" on it and traced the letter with her fingers._

 _"I wanted to. Plus now you don't need to cast those sad puppy looks at them every time we're leaving the store."_

 _She playfully rolled her eyes and continued examining the mugs closely, while Jackson walked around the kitchen isle to pull his wife into his arms. He hugged her from behind and rested his chin on her shoulder._

 _"And I want to create more memories with you. I don't want this apartment to be just me. I want it to be me and you", he whispered._

 _April put the mugs back on the table and put her hands on top of Jackson's. "Me and you", she smiled._

 _"Me and you", he repeated again.  
_  
For a second she thought it would be a good idea to put them away but it was pointless. Everything reminded her of him, she would have to hide everything. And she was going to see him in the hospital every day. She knew it was going to be a process to try and not to feel in his presence.

"I don't think you should go in today. Maybe go for a walk? Or clean? How do you unwind? Now that you can't drink and all."

It was the morning after and Arizona was trying to convince April not to go to work. This put a smile on April's face. Arizona was also divorced and April was sure cleaning wasn't on her mind after the divorce either.

"I don't think that's a better option than going to work", April said, while collecting some things to put in her bag. "Seeing him is unavoidable. And the hospital has witnessed worse things that have happened to me. Everyone always talks, so the sooner I show up, the sooner Jackson and I will stop being the hospital's gossip. Where's my phone?"

"I'm not so sure about the gossip ending anytime soon, sweetie." Arizona said handing her her phone.

"What do you mean?"

Not hearing an answer April looked up and saw Arizona nodding at her belly.

"I wasn't going to tell him today, anyway. Or anyone for that matter." April shrugged.

"I get it, but eventually you will have to tell Jackson. And the sooner the better, you know that." Arizona said squeezing her shoulder in reassurance.

"I do, I know. Let's just go to work for now."

* * *

As April predicted, stares were following her everywhere in the hospital. Whenever she locked eyes with someone, accidentally or not, people would smile that awkward "I'm pretending I haven't rehearsed this moment in my head" smile. So when Meredith entered the trauma room with the usual "What do we have?" April felt relieved. When life was at stake and not a minute could be lost she was safe from the pity stares. However, in the scrub room, after putting her overshoes on, Meredith turned around facing April and patiently waited until the latter was done with her preparations and looked up.

"Are you okay?"

"I am."

"I'm not supposed to take sides but, you know, I can call the nanny and we can go to Joe's and get drunk. I'm sure Arizona and whoever you want to see there will be up for it."  
April smiled and softly shook her head. "Thank you, really. I appreciate it but I am fine or I'm going to be. I can deal with it myself. I will be okay."

"I know that. Just, we are all here for you, you know? For both of you." With that she turned around and entered the prep room.

Maybe she would like to get a drink, but now she couldn't, especially so as not to raise any suspicions. And maybe she'd love to see Riggs there, but she wan't sure Meredith would feel the same way.

After the surgery was over and the nurses inside the OR lost the interest and stopped staring at April as if they were expecting her to break any minute, it was time for lunch. She tried to convince herself she was only going to get something to eat and not try to see a certain someone. She hadn't seen Jackson all day which was odd. Maybe not so odd when you're divorced, but they worked in the same place and they were bound to awkwardly bump into each other. Earlier in the day April had rehearsed how she would act and what she would say if she saw him. She thought about telling Jackson about the pregnancy, but they just got divorced. He probably felt relieved finally being free of her. She couldn't just burst his bubble. It pained her to think that their divorce was a relief for him.

She stepped into the line to get something to eat when she overheard the two young residents in front of her talking about Jackson.

"It sucks so bad! I was almost done with my OBGYN rotation and I was hoping to get in on some burn cases and Dr. Avery is the best in Plastics here and now he's leaving?!"

April's heart started to race. She couldn't believe what she´d just heard. He's… Jackson is leaving? He's literally physically leaving her?

"Are you surprised? He just got divorced. Seeing your ex everywhere sucks. I wonder why he's the one leaving?"

"Come on, he's an Avery. Mass Gen is probably waiting for him with open arms. I don't know why he didn't do it earlier."

April immediately lost her appetite. She turned around and tried to leave without anyone noticing. She found an empty on call room and tried to calm herself down. She promised herself she wouldn't cry today, but she was already on the verge of tears and she hadn't even seen Jackson yet. So many thoughts ran through her head. She couldn't believe he would leave, and so soon. And they were having a baby… but he didn't know. April angrily dried her tears. _Good. He's leaving anyway, why would I tell him anything if he takes the first opportunity to leave me_. She knew they just got divorced but they weren't strangers. He still had his things in their… _her_ apartment, perhaps he didn't need them.

April sat on the bed and covered her face with her hands. She knew that not telling Jackson about her pregnancy would be unfair, she had already kept quiet about it before signing the divorce papers but she didn't want him to stay in the marriage just for their baby. She didn't want him to hate her.. if he didn't already. April let out a frustrated groan. She had to tell him. She wasn't malicious and didn't want to keep him here against his will. But he had to know and she knew that. April got up and left the on call room, ready but not ready at all to face Jackson.

She checked the OR board but couldn't find his name anywhere, she considered asking at the nurses station but everyone knew what was going on between them, she didn't want any additional rumours about them and herself in particular. "Poor Kepner, just can't let him go." The truth was she really couldn't. Her marriage crumbled but her love for Jackson was immanent. Signing the papers didn't make her stop loving him. April was walking trough the hospital halls and took her phone out deciding to text Jackson instead. She realised walking and texting at the same time was a bad idea as she bumped into someone.

"Uh, sorry" she started saying when she looked up and she saw that it was Jackson she bumped into.

"It's fine, it's fine" he replied, putting his hands in his coat, not finding anything else to say.

April expected this but still couldn't believe how awkward it was for both of them. They stood in the middle of the hall in a complete silence for what it felt like forever when April finally decided to break the silence. She took a deep breath.

"This is so awkward." she smiled, locking her hands, while shifting from one foot to another.  
Jackson could only offer a "yeah". After what it felt like another eternity April spoke again.

"Actually, I'm glad we bumped into each other. I…", she bit her lip nervously, "I need to talk to you".

Jackson frowned. "Y-yeah. Sure". He offered a weak smile. April started speaking but caught the wondering stares of nurses and doctors nearby one of the nurses stations.

"Can we go somewhere else first?" She asked nodding at the audience gathered to witness what could be one of the most awkward conversations in this hospital.

"Let's see if the attending's lounge is empty". He offered and turned around, and waited for her to catch up with him.

It was so good to just walk near each other, April thought, she missed the simple things that she used to do with Jackson. She hated that she could feel the distance between them despite how physically close to each other they were right now. Lucky for them there was no one in the attending's lounge. April walked in but didn't turn around. She heard Jackson close the door and walk a little closer. She knew he was waiting but she just needed a minute. She was terrified of his reaction to her questions and her news. Did he love her still? Did he love her just enough to not get mad at her, to resent her for forcing herself back into his life so soon? She wasn't his happy ending anymore.

 _Take a deep breath, April. It's about the baby. The baby that deserves to have two parents who will unconditionally love him or her, despite what is going on between them._ No matter what his reaction would be, she knew he would be the best father their baby could ever ask for.

April was grateful Jackson didn't rush her to start talking. But she couldn't stay silent much longer. She turned around and after a couple of seconds she looked up at him.

"What did you want to talk about?" Jackson encouraged her.

" I… I heard you were leaving. To Mass Gen, and I just wanted to say that I'm happy for you…"

April thought she heard Jackson saying scuttlebutt under his breath, April shook her head and continued, "I know we're not…" she didn't want to say divorced, "not 'we' anymore but it really stung to learn about it from someone else but you."

"April", Jackson tried to interrupt her, stepping closer, but she continued.

"…we're not strangers and after what I have to tell you, you'll probably change your mind and hate me and I can't handle this right now and I…"

"April", Jackson slightly raised his voice to catch her attention , "I didn't think it would be such a big deal to you, honestly." He paused, "Torres and I are got an email from my mom only yesterday and it's not like we're leaving for good, it's just a consult."

April stared at him in confusion. "You're not leaving Grey Sloan? To work at Mass Gen?"

Jackson rolled his eyes, genuinely smiling for the first time. "Of course not. I can barely handle Catherine Avery's visits, that's enough meddling as it is."

"Okay."

"And of course I would tell you if I decided to leave. I wouldn't leave without saying goodbye."

April closed her eyes and took a deep breath to calm herself down. Jackson wasn't leaving.

"I'm so sorry, I just overheard some residents and I wasn't ready to see you leave for good," said April, tilting her head.

"I understand" Jackson sighed.

"Okay, then", she said. "So I'm just… gonna go then." She awkwardly started to move towards the door. She turned the door handle ready to leave when Jackson remembered something.

"And what did you want to say that you thought I would hate you for?"

April's shoulders dropped, she had to tell Jackson. But as she turned around, she realised she was not ready to tell him. Now that April knew he wasn't going to leave, she thought she would have a little bit more time to prepare herself for that conversation. She could lose the baby, what good would it do to tell him so soon? No, it wasn't the time.

"I just thought, if or when you leave, I can throw your gigantic shoe painting away?" She awkwardly smiled.

Jackson's eyes widened, "No, no, no. Please don't. I'll come by some time soon and pick it up, ok?" he adorably pleaded.

"Oki-doki", April nodded and quickly retrieved.

As soon as she left the room her smile disappeared. She couldn't believe herself. Did she just make a mistake by not telling him? But what was done, was done. She was not ready to tell him yet, but she knew she would have to and soon.

* * *

 **Thank you for reading! Please leave a review and tell me what you think. :)**


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